That Sweet 16 Birthday Post...

After Our Miscarriage almost 17 years ago, Trav and I wanted to try again for another baby. 

Our Rainbow Baby.

If I am being honest here, I wanted another boy. (Don't Tell Jazz) Atleast I thought that's what I wanted. But God knew better..

Being a momma to my twin boys had been so easy that I thought another baby boy would be perfect. Trav wanted another girl though, and it seems that Trav always got what he wanted.. lol 

When we found out we were having a baby girl, we were both pretty excited. After all this meant more shoe buying! 

Our little girl was so excited to meet us that she tried to come when I was 5 months pg. 

It happen to be the day that my work place was giving me a surprise baby shower. 

That should have been my first clue that our baby girl was going to change our world. 

After almost 2 1/2 months of bed rest, and getting Toxemia and Emergency C-Section she came 3 weeks early weighing in at a whopping 8 pounds. 

We fell madly in love with her the first time I held her.

It’s really unreal to me that this little girl is turning 16 years old today. 

I am not sure how this was allowed to happen. 

You see, God knew exactly what my heart and life needed and would need as I grew up and dealt with hard times and heartache in this crazy world. 

Jazzy has been my Sunshine from day one. That is “our” song still to this day. I could calm her, rock her to sleep and make her smile by just singing that song to her.

If you know Jasmine, than you know her beautiful smile and kind heart. 

From the time she started walking, she has been a go getter and has kept me busy.

 She has a heart to serve people, and to love people. But only our household knows how feisty she can get when you piss her off. She gets that mean streak from her daddy of course.

The last 16 years with this chick has been so much fun. 

There have been many giggles, snuggles and maybe a few warning looks to tone the teenager tude down. She has grown into such a beautiful young woman, and even though my heart is a bit sad to not have an itty bitty girl anymore, I am also so excited to see her conquer this cruel world.

Dear My Precious Jasmine, 

You my girl are going big places and going to do Amazing things in your life. 

Don’t ever let anyone steal or break your Spirit.

You are my and your daddy’s pride and joy, and WE thank God for you each day. 

But Please Go easy on your momma though, with all that getting your “driver’s license talk” and “going to college talk”.

 Let me enjoy you in my safety bubble just a little bit longer.

On your 16^th Birthday I want to  show my love and appreciation and to annoy you with my long lists of why I am Thankful for you..

Soooo...

Thank you for always checking on me, and taking care of me when I am down or sick.

Thank you for being the best Shopping Buddy and My El Paseo Buddy.

Thank you for being the best snuggle bunny while your dad worked those horrible night hours.

Thank you for Loving Jesus, and loving to sing and praise him with me.

Thank you for being my little clean freak and keeping your room so spotless since the age of 3.

Thank you for singing with me in the car, and letting me have the girl parts in the duos we sing.

Thank you for being my Tenderhearted child.

Thank you for allowing me to dorm with you when WE go away to college. (haha)

Thank you for playing softball since you were 4 years old until your Freshman year even though I had to force you that one time.

Thank you for being my girly girl and yet being tough as nails to hold your own against those siblings of yours.

Thank you for being a great best friend to Taylor so that we get to have many laughs on Family game nights.

Thank you for your brutal honesty when I ask if something does not look good on me and for acting like my momma and blending in my make up when I do a not so good job.

Thank you for many deep car talks, and for confiding in me during those tough times.

Thank you for staying away from those “yucky boys” and not making me deal with that drama just yet.

Thank you for keeping a good heart and loving people, even though being a teenage girl these days in high school can be pretty hard.

Thank you for laughing and being patient with your older siblings and all your adopted big brothers (your twin brothers squad) when they tend to be a little over protective of you.

Thank you for loving the little people like me and enjoying babysitting and working in the church nurseries with me.

Thank you for being a planner and list maker and staying organized.

Thank you for being my texting buddy even though your room is just next to mine. 

Most of all.. Thank you for being My Jasmine Victoria, My Sugar Bear, My Sunshine..

Happy Sweet 16 Baby Girl.. 

Love Always

Your Momma

Another Guest Blogger

This momma is blown away that my children have the heart to share their true feelings and thoughts. Our oldest daughter felt lead to share after her little brother blogged this week. This is more personal, and I pray you have the heart to read this and not judge. And if anything keep her in your prayers.

                 You Deserve Happiness

                      By Ciera  

I'm not really one to make my life super public on social media, or to the world in general. I don't particularly like people knowing my dirty laundry and I certainly don't want people to know the negative bits and pieces of my life. That's not to say that I put on this fake persona, because believe me I've never been a fake person, but I do happen to leave out the embarrassing (I consider embarrassing) parts of my life. 

Today though, I'm letting y'all in on one of my dirty little secrets....  

For nearly 3 years I was in a physically abusive relationship. 

Not the kind where you go crazy on your man and start punching him in the face so he holds you down. 

No. 

A real abusive relationship. 

First let me make it clear that this man is not my most recent ex. 

This relationship was nearly 3 years ago and I'm just now speaking out about it. 

Why? Because I was embarrassed. Ashamed even. So disgusted with myself because I am a strong, independent badass woman and I never saw myself being in that situation. I was humiliated that I ever was. 

Was I right to feel that way? Absolutely not, but because I did I pushed all my loved ones away to the point that no one knew what was going on.

So instead of getting help, I just let it fester and get worse and worse for nearly 3 years. I'd hide my bruises from my parents and siblings with makeup and long sleeves. There are so many days that I'd call in to work because my ribs or my back would be so bruised I could barely move. 

But nobody knew any of that. 

Every time I tried to get out, he'd pull me back in. Literally. By my hair.

 I was told that he'd kill me, or he'd kill him self or he was going to kill my family. 

Looking back now, I feel completely stupid for believing he would do any of those things but when you're in that situation for so long you become so scared of that person that you believe they'll do anything. 

I eventually became his little robot and just sat there and looked pretty. It was never enough for him though, and I felt so alone. I thought to myself "this is your life now.

 Just do what he wants and you'll be fine" 

I wouldn't be fine though and I knew that. 

So one night after he had gotten wasted, we had the worst fight we'd ever had. 

I call it a fight because this time I fought back. I'd had enough and if he was going to throw punches so was I. He broke my phone so I couldn't call for help, threw my keys in the yard so I couldn't leave. He threw me, pushed me, and hit me. 

But I kept getting back up. I found my keys, drove around till I found a cop, and I took matters into my own hands. 

Please just imagine being my parents and getting that phone call at 3 am.

 Anyways, as you can imagine I pressed charges and put his a$$ in jail. 

Finally I was out... but mentally I wasn't.  

I'm still to this day fixing what he broke. 

He took my peace from me. 

He took my trust, my happiness, my tenderness. 

I couldn't function as a normal long term girlfriend to an amazing man bc I had been destroyed by another.

 I have put my family and loved ones through Hell because of that relationship. 

He made me mean. He made me hard... I have had to work through a lot of pride and a lot of emotions these last few years and I am finally at a good place with myself. I'm finally happy with myself and who I am as a person. 

I'm writing this not for anyone to feel sorry for me. 

I don't want sympathy, no need for it.

 I'm writing this because I know there is someone out there who will read this and it will give them the courage to leave. It will give them the power to stand up and walk away. 

If you're going through a similar situation I want you to know that you are not alone. 

You have people who love you and care about you and who will help you through this.

 You deserve the best, we all do. 

Please don't ever let anyone destroy who you are. Those people are toxic, you can't save them. 

Do not and I repeat DO NOT EVER let anyone steal your peace and your love for others. Find a friend, a family member. Hell find me! But most importantly find God. He will save your life, he will renew your peace and your happiness and you WILL find love. True love. And when you do find it, don't ruin it because another person made you feel like you don't deserve it. You do. 100 percent you do. 

Guest Blogger Time...

This momma was thrilled when my son emailed and asked if he could be a Guest Blogger.
This is some good stuff, and it is an honor to allow him to share his true heart..
 So fellow Blog Readers..
Enjoy...

Genuine and Creative Prayer

By Aaron

            I guess how I want to start off this blog is by explaining how I got to this point…. 

So, I was sitting in the shower and I was just sitting there thinking about how I can’t wait get home and celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. Then I laughed out loud (mind you I was sitting in the public shower alone laughing) as I remembered my favorite part of Thanksgiving is when my grandpa prays right before we all eat. You may be thinking, “wow this guy is kind of a jerk,” but before you judge me let me tell you why it’s funny. It’s funny because he prays as fast as Usain Bolt runs the 100-meter dash. What I’m saying is that if someone who wasn’t part of the family was there he/she would think that we were running an auction in the place. 

So, after I finished laughing, God spoke to me and asked me “what is funny about a man who is praying?” I kind of just awkwardly sat there and basically reevaluated my entire existence. Why was I laughing at a man who was genuinely praying to God; not caring about what others thought of his prayer. Then I thought “when was the last time I genuinely prayed?” I’m not talking about before I go to bed or before every meal, which if I’m completely honest I don’t do all the time as I should. I’m talking about a prayer one prays straight up because they want to. 

Like for example, I spend a lot of time playing video games (like an ungodly amount of time) what if I chose (important word is “chose”) to stop and just start spilling the beans to the lord. I am talking about a prayer that has no real order to it but has your whole heart put into it. I feel like these are the prayers that can change the world. Don’t think that I am saying all other type of prayers are irrelevant. 

Here is what I am saying, we have to stop praying to God as if it is a chore we do every single day at a specific time with specific words. At some point after doing that for a while it seems very robotic, and a far as I know God doesn’t want robots programmed to pray at 6:00 PM everyday right before they eat their hamburger helper. He wants human beings who pray genuine and creative prayers. Now some of you may tell me, “Listen dude, I don’t have a creative bone in my body.” Well to you I say that’s a load of crap! The Bible says that the lord created us all in his image. 

Now, that means we have all the qualities that God has, right? That’s exactly what that means!! 

So, if God the guy who created the whole universe with his very words says that we have the same qualities as him, I can say without a doubt in my mind that you are creative! 

This world needs people who will pray creative and genuine prayers straight from their heart. 

We need to be the Picassos and Van Goghs of prayers.

So, everything I just said there went through my mind as I sat still in the shower then I CHOSE to pray a prayer that was so genuine I felt as if God was sitting with me in that shower (I know… weird to say but this is my experience not yours). When I finished praying I finally understood what it is like for rappers to finish a concert. I was exhausted and couldn’t think of anything else to say. I can honestly say I put everything into that prayer it was the most genuine prayer I have ever prayed. I definitely plan on praying like this a lot more and I am excited to what adventures this takes me on. I hope that whoever reads this will learn from my spiritual shower time and change the way they pray.

Watch Your Mouth...

Hola Blog Followers.. 

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read the randomness that goes on in this crazy head of mine. 

I know I am not a professional writer..

 I know that I may misspell words or put them in the wrong context. 

But I love to blog and share and I appreciate each of you expressing your thoughts and encouraging me thru out life’s journey…

Which brings me to this blog topic.. 

We always hear different people talking about how all it takes is one time, or one person to begin to make a difference.

 I had been dealing with something and finally had a “Ah Ha” moment..

 Let me share..

A couple of weeks ago, after I blogged, I was feeling really down. I was struggling with my emotions and trying to grasp and understand why certain things happen.

 I was quite upset or shall I say frustrated with a certain person, whom I do love with all my heart.

One of my friends and blog follower, messaged me and was being very kind and just checking on me. I really appreciated her doing this. Her sweet friendship too.

 So I thought, I could share my heart and started to vent and explain why I was hurting..

She stopped me right away.

Totally caught me off guard.

She said, I am sorry you are hurting, but I love (insert person name here) and I won’t believe one word you say about her. How can I pray for you..?

Oh gosh, I was stunned.

I did not know what to say.

I thought about it all day and just kept shaking my head.

It stuck with me for a couple of weeks.

 After much praying. I finally think I understand why it has stuck with me..

Don’t get me wrong,  I think it is ok to vent. I think it is good to have people you can trust and who can be a good listener. Who listen and then pray with you. To help you see both sides..

But what that friend did, ministered to my heart.

It made me desire that kind of devotion.

That when someone is venting about me, that someone will say “Wait, Stop.. I love Amanda and I am sorry you are hurting, but I won’t believe one bad word you say about her”

Wow..

Can you imagine how much of a difference that would make in this crazy world.?

 I desire that, that even when I have screwed up, that someone would stop the gossip. 

That because I have been good to people, because my relationships matter, because people know my true heart..

That it makes a huge impact in a person’s life that they stop the negative in its tracks.

 Don’t you? All it takes is one person..

SO thank you to that person, for ministering to my heart in a way that I have not seen before. For helping me to see beyond myself.

To help me see that even when I am frustrated and hurting.. I need to match my talking with my prayers.. 

Living, Loving and Learning.. 

Oh My Aching Heart...

Not really sure how other people deal with heartache in their lives, but it seems if I write about it, just maybe it will bring me some closure.

All my life I try my best to cherish each relationship that is brought into my life, and unfortunately I have been hurt many times because of this.

Trav says I get too attached to people.

But I honestly do not know how to just “half butt” how I feel about people.

I love with all I have and want to be sure people know they are special.

Of course after a few rejections or if that person does something to me to cause harm on purpose, I start to back away slowly and love from afar. 

Recently, a certain person whom I love with all my heart, more than likely won’t get to be part of my life anymore. And unfortunately we have no say, as that Is how some relationships end.

Jazz and I had a good cry fest for a couple of days.

 Even though part of this is wonderful news, there are innocent bystanders in whom this will affect.

This week I have had vivid dreams of hugging this precious person. And her asking me as she is squeezing my neck, "where I have been"?  I was crying so hard that I woke myself up bawling.

This gave me the opportunity to pray a fierce prayer for this precious person..

And that is what is getting me thru.

My hope is that...

She will be loved every day of her life.

That she will never spend a day doubting how amazingly precious she is.

That she will always remember how much I love her, and that I made an impression in her life to last a life time. Because she will always have a special place in my heart.

That she will grow up and be surrounded by good people who support and cheer her on in life.

And that she is protected from the top of her precious head to the tips of her tiny toes.

I will never understand why things happen the way they do, why people are brought into our lives who won’t get to stay.

But I have to trust in HIS promise, and know that something even better is coming along.

 I just had the awesome privilege of getting a tiny taste of how good life will be..

And oh my heart, because that was a sweet taste.

That One "Woe Is Me" Post...

I am sure we all have had those “Woe is me moments” or maybe it is just me… 

And even though I am a bit ashamed to tell on myself. I feel it is on my heart to share this, and let’s see if this helps anyone else. 

This is going to be a long post,…

I have a lot of friends. I am not bragging by any means. 

I have a lot of friends from my high school days, church friends, friends who have kids the same age as mine, friends who I met thru my hubby and of course lovely Facebook friends and some family friends.

 But I can count on my one hand how many “Close Friends/Family” I have. 

The ones who I can call on a moment’s notice and they would be there for me. 

Those who call on me during those times too.  

In this crazy thing we call life, we all get caught up in life.  I even do this. I hate to admit that since Trav got a day job, I may have neglected some of those friendships. He and I spend every moment together and I have enjoyed this thoroughly.

So a couple of wkends back, I had one of those moments. I was feeling quite alone because I could not find one single person who wanted to hang out with me. 

Plans had already been made but someone had something come up and backed out on me. I know life happens.

I knew that Trav and the boys had planned to go out by themselves for Father’s day. So I thought, OHH I can invite all my lady friends to join me and Jazz at the movies.. I was super excited. So I sent a message out on Facebook, and waited for my phone to ding with texts to see who wanted to join me. I got those texts. A few of them.. Fast forward to Friday night.. By the end of the night everyone had canceled on me.  I was lying in bed watching TV with Trav when even Jazz was trying to cancel on me. I was in tears. I felt lonely and like a complete loser. Trav was about to cancel his planned outing because he was sad for me. Do you see how pathetic this all is..?

So I went to bed all emotional and feeling so sorry for myself. Boohoo Poor Amanda..

I realized that lately I have been having these moments more and more.

Honestly hate feeling like that. So I had a come to Jesus moment.

But the more I prayed about it, the more God was dealing with my heart.

How can I expect to have good friends, that want to hang out with me if I was being a lousy friend and not reaching out to anyone either.

 What makes me think that I should have “people” on stand by for when I decide I need someone all of a sudden.

Who exactly do I think I am?

Why am I getting down and depressed about this?

Even more, I had to look at the bigger issue I was dealing with. 

The root problem..

And that is the feeling of rejection.

We are not friends, “she” is a mean ole thing and it has given me heartache and allows me to choose to be hurt when I am told no or when I am canceled on.

 I put myself out there, I ask people to go on lunch/dinner dates, or to the movies. I offer to watch their babies so they can go on those dates. I offer to do a lot of for others, to be a blessing. 

I love to do for people. It makes me happy to serve others.

But then I allow myself to get my feelings hurt when they don’t take me up on that offer or don’t want to go out with me. And I hate that feeling, but more I hate that I allow it to hurt me. 

I need to let go of that issue, and I know where it comes from.

All the way back from my childhood. My Lovely Father Issues. Not feeling like I deserved to be loved or wanted. It seems the older I get the more I struggle with my real dad not being a part of my life. Just the fact that He chose not to be. I have carried that with me all these years. 

Gosh, I want to be done with it. 

Also growing up being the only girl with brothers and uncles, I have always been a bit lonely. Searching to relate with anyone. And it seems that even after growing up I am still in that mind set. Most people I do know, have close sisters or cousins or even aunts. They have those childhood best friends.  They have those “go to people” in their lives. I don’t have anything like that anymore. 

Up until this point I have always had my kids at home, so there really was no time to feel alone very often. But as they are growing up and having their own lives, which is a great thing for them, I am realizing that I NEED those “people” in my life. 

We all do. 

We were created to have good friendships. To love and be loved.

But, the other thing that comes to my heart and mind is to just stop.

Stop focusing on myself, 

Stop focusing on problems that I have made up in my head that do not even exist. 

I need to stop taking things so personal, and when I am told no, then just move on. 

That it is nothing personal, or against me. 

But I am afraid that I am going to go back to my safety bubble and not ask anymore.

 I don’t want to go backwards.

We need to be ok with being alone sometimes.. 

But even more, 

We need to open our eyes and our heart and realize that no matter what We are Never Alone. 

We need to put our focus on the one who has much love for us, the one who has never rejected us.. 

I don’t know about you.. But personally, I needed that reminder..  

But.. 

Yes I know I have issued a lot of BUTS..

But, I also think we need to open our eyes and reach out and love people. We all desire to know we are being thought of. So when God puts someone on your heart today, take the time to be obedient and send that text or make that phone call. It could do wonders for people who are struggling.

Thank you for reading this. I know it was long…

My 2016 This and That Post

Hello Faithful Blog Followers. 

My apologies for not blogging in a while.. It has been a bit of a whirlwind life lately.

 And when something comes to mind I write, write, write and read it and think “nah, better not share that” and it gets deleted.

 Sometimes I think it’s best to keep my opinions and thoughts to myself, (I said sometimes) something I have learned that comes with age. Seems to keep me out of trouble.. 

So no Target bathroom blog, (oh my)

No rant about my thoughts and heartbreak about the young teenager who was beat up and killed in her high school, and nothing about the kid falling in the gorilla thing at the zoo.

Just know it breaks my heart and people really need Jesus. 

This world seems to be getting crazier by the day.. 

It all starts at home parents. We have to teach Love and Kindness at Home..

Now onto Life..

First off My Twins are home!! And of course this makes this momma oh so happy. They both made excellent grades their first year at college, Cameron made the Dean’s List and now both are busy working their summer jobs and being at home. Loads of fun being a responsible adult. (sarcasm) 

I am enjoying seeing them when they are home.. Just so super proud of them and thrilled to watch them grow and change and accomplish so much in life. 3 more years to go for these college fellas..

Way to Go Aaron and Cameron..

My Boys are home!

Jazz kept us busy with playing softball the last 3 months of school, and her team did so well. 

We loved going to the games and cheering them on. 

She finished her Freshmen year of high school with many achievements, one of those being making Straight A’s all year. This chick makes us so proud and even though I am sad about my baby being a Sophomore now, I am excited to see her continue to grow. 

This summer so far she has been busy raising money for 2 trips she gets to take. Her Cross Country Team is going to on their first Trip to Colorado and she is going on a trip to Florida with our Youth group. She has already raised enough for the first trip and working on the 2^nd one. Cleaning houses, having a babysitting gig and helping her brothers with laundry or their job. She is not afraid of hard work and we love that about her.

Trav and I have had the privilege of attending a couple of graduations this summer. 

Two of our nephews have graduated and are going to be attending college. 

We are so very proud of them, and wish them the best in their new season in life.

We are counting the days till we leave for our very first cruise. We go in September even though our Anniversary is not till November, we will be celebrating 20 years of marriage.

Lord knows it has not been easy. Some ups and downs along the way. Some Speed Bumps, a few pot holes and maybe a cliff or two. But so thankful we toughed it out and stayed together. We are reaping the rewards for our hard work now. Enjoying much alone time together, and eating it all up.. I think he is a keeper..

But, My heart breaks for so many people today. People that I love with all my heart have called it quits on their marriage lately. I have watched how it affects so many people who have grown up together. Especially in families. The children. I am a firm believer that God can heal any situation.

He can restore any relationship.

But it takes 2 open hearts to get help and make changes.

Life Changes..

Every Single Day Changes..

Changes in your Thoughts

Changes in your Words

I would not be preaching this if I did not know first hand on how it does help. I surely don't claim to be a marriage expert. But, when you can actually love your spouse more than yourself on his or her good days and especially the bad and ugly days AND until both people can quit pointing fingers at each other, and take a breath and look at your own heart and actions, and realize that Physical, Verbal and Mental Abuse has NO place in a relationship, than your marriage is doomed.  

And that frankly just sucks. 

For everyone involved.

Just know, YOU are loved.. You are deserving of Great Love..

 And I am sorry so many are hurting today..