Today I find myself asking..”When is enough really enough..? “
I have been very fortunate and blessed in my life, to not have to deal with losing my loved ones. I have all my grandparents and parents. I have been close to my mom’s side of the family all my life. Growing up, we lived with my grandparents off and on thru out the years. When I first got married, my grandparents were my neighbors for about 5 years. My kids and I had the privilege to walk next door to always find my grandparents sitting and watching TV, and always ready to feed us.
If you know my grandpa, which everyone does. You know him as the over 6ft tall, loud, boisterous, always laughing, with the big belly and cowboy hat and boots. He knew no stranger. My gpa has been self employed most of his life, driving and owning his own dump trucks. I honestly remember making some good money as a teen, as we helped him pave and rake asphalt drive ways. What a beating that used to be. Just the smell of it made me nauseous. But, it was the “family” thing to do.
Over the years we all have had children, and to watch how my gpa loves all his great grandchildren is always so heart warming. He always gave them a dollar if they would give him a kiss and hug. He would get loud when they walk in the door to show how excited he was to see them. He has always been so good to all of them,.
About ten years ago, we got a big scare when my gpa had a heart attack. He ended up having a triple bypass surgery, and had to have a pace maker put in. It took him a while, but he eventually got back to living his normal life. Driving all over the place and being him self again. But around 4 years ago, he got sick and went into kidney failure. And needed to start dialysis. He had already made his mind up, that he was not going to do it. But the family all got together, and we told him we supported what he wanted to do, but we really wanted him to do dialysis and stay with us longer. The dr’s told us he would not make it to Christmas that year, but he went on dialysis and here we are almost 5 years later, and he is still with us.
So here we are, coming up on another Christmas, and the last couple of years my gpa has been a fighter, and trooper. Slowly we have watched him give up so many things he loved in life. From working and driving, and having to sale his place and live in assisted living areas and now a small apartment. Going to 3 hours of dialysis three times a wk. Dealing with having no energy to get out of bed on most days, and becoming a home body. Surely not the quality of life that he wants to live. But because he loves my grandmother and his family he sucked it up and did it each day.
This Thanksgiving he took a turn for the worse. He had been dealing with so much pain in his legs and feet, which he could not even walk. We were devastated to find out that he got gang green setting in, and now he has been in the hospital having surgery after surgery, he has lost his toes on one foot, and the doctor is trying to save the other one. I went up there last night to sit with my gma during the surgery. I was told that he looked bad, and that he was on morphine for all the pain he is in. But, when I walked into that room and saw him, my heart broke. That was NOT my gpa. This is NOT what my GPA would want to look and feel like. I did my best to keep it together and smile, and was thrilled to see that he recognized me and reached out for my hand, and told me he loved me. I kept it together when he was moaning from the pain he is in. But when I watched my grandmother, rub and kiss his head, and tell him for the 5th time that she could not take him home yet, I lost it.
Wow! Over 50 years of marriage right before my eyes, my grandmother is watching the love of her life, her best friend, the only man she has ever known, wither away to nothing. Some things I will never understand..
The surgery last night took over 3 hrs. We sat with my gma, and we talked, and tried to keep her from thinking too much, we talked about old times and we laughed,. I was so proud of my gma for being so strong, not once had she shed a tear. When, the dr called us back and told us that the surgery had not gone like he hoped, and told us the next couple of days all they could do is watch and see where to go from here. When he suggested that they have a family meeting this wk, to discuss how much more aggressive we wanted him to go. When he told us, that my gpa is very sick, and his heart his weak, she lost it. And oh how my heart ached for her.
Trav and I got her settled in her room for the night, and I held her and I prayed with her. I cried with her, and told her how much we all loved her, and that gpa has been thru so much already, and he is tired. And that he has been a trooper because he loves her so much, he has been fighting. But, that gpa would not be happy to live without his feet. She agreed, she knows what is coming.
So that brings me to my Title. When is Enough, really Enough?! We have been praying and praying for God to heal my gpa. But, when is it being selfish on our part to allow the doctors to continue to cut off his body parts, to take away a good quality of life away from him. When is it time to say, “Ok God, please take him home, peacefully, no more suffering”? Unfortunately, for my family, that time seems to be now..
