Oh My Aching Heart...

Not really sure how other people deal with heartache in their lives, but it seems if I write about it, just maybe it will bring me some closure.

All my life I try my best to cherish each relationship that is brought into my life, and unfortunately I have been hurt many times because of this.

Trav says I get too attached to people.

But I honestly do not know how to just “half butt” how I feel about people.

I love with all I have and want to be sure people know they are special.

Of course after a few rejections or if that person does something to me to cause harm on purpose, I start to back away slowly and love from afar. 

Recently, a certain person whom I love with all my heart, more than likely won’t get to be part of my life anymore. And unfortunately we have no say, as that Is how some relationships end.

Jazz and I had a good cry fest for a couple of days.

 Even though part of this is wonderful news, there are innocent bystanders in whom this will affect.

This week I have had vivid dreams of hugging this precious person. And her asking me as she is squeezing my neck, "where I have been"?  I was crying so hard that I woke myself up bawling.

This gave me the opportunity to pray a fierce prayer for this precious person..

And that is what is getting me thru.

My hope is that...

She will be loved every day of her life.

That she will never spend a day doubting how amazingly precious she is.

That she will always remember how much I love her, and that I made an impression in her life to last a life time. Because she will always have a special place in my heart.

That she will grow up and be surrounded by good people who support and cheer her on in life.

And that she is protected from the top of her precious head to the tips of her tiny toes.

I will never understand why things happen the way they do, why people are brought into our lives who won’t get to stay.

But I have to trust in HIS promise, and know that something even better is coming along.

 I just had the awesome privilege of getting a tiny taste of how good life will be..

And oh my heart, because that was a sweet taste.

That One "Woe Is Me" Post...

I am sure we all have had those “Woe is me moments” or maybe it is just me… 

And even though I am a bit ashamed to tell on myself. I feel it is on my heart to share this, and let’s see if this helps anyone else. 

This is going to be a long post,…

I have a lot of friends. I am not bragging by any means. 

I have a lot of friends from my high school days, church friends, friends who have kids the same age as mine, friends who I met thru my hubby and of course lovely Facebook friends and some family friends.

 But I can count on my one hand how many “Close Friends/Family” I have. 

The ones who I can call on a moment’s notice and they would be there for me. 

Those who call on me during those times too.  

In this crazy thing we call life, we all get caught up in life.  I even do this. I hate to admit that since Trav got a day job, I may have neglected some of those friendships. He and I spend every moment together and I have enjoyed this thoroughly.

So a couple of wkends back, I had one of those moments. I was feeling quite alone because I could not find one single person who wanted to hang out with me. 

Plans had already been made but someone had something come up and backed out on me. I know life happens.

I knew that Trav and the boys had planned to go out by themselves for Father’s day. So I thought, OHH I can invite all my lady friends to join me and Jazz at the movies.. I was super excited. So I sent a message out on Facebook, and waited for my phone to ding with texts to see who wanted to join me. I got those texts. A few of them.. Fast forward to Friday night.. By the end of the night everyone had canceled on me.  I was lying in bed watching TV with Trav when even Jazz was trying to cancel on me. I was in tears. I felt lonely and like a complete loser. Trav was about to cancel his planned outing because he was sad for me. Do you see how pathetic this all is..?

So I went to bed all emotional and feeling so sorry for myself. Boohoo Poor Amanda..

I realized that lately I have been having these moments more and more.

Honestly hate feeling like that. So I had a come to Jesus moment.

But the more I prayed about it, the more God was dealing with my heart.

How can I expect to have good friends, that want to hang out with me if I was being a lousy friend and not reaching out to anyone either.

 What makes me think that I should have “people” on stand by for when I decide I need someone all of a sudden.

Who exactly do I think I am?

Why am I getting down and depressed about this?

Even more, I had to look at the bigger issue I was dealing with. 

The root problem..

And that is the feeling of rejection.

We are not friends, “she” is a mean ole thing and it has given me heartache and allows me to choose to be hurt when I am told no or when I am canceled on.

 I put myself out there, I ask people to go on lunch/dinner dates, or to the movies. I offer to watch their babies so they can go on those dates. I offer to do a lot of for others, to be a blessing. 

I love to do for people. It makes me happy to serve others.

But then I allow myself to get my feelings hurt when they don’t take me up on that offer or don’t want to go out with me. And I hate that feeling, but more I hate that I allow it to hurt me. 

I need to let go of that issue, and I know where it comes from.

All the way back from my childhood. My Lovely Father Issues. Not feeling like I deserved to be loved or wanted. It seems the older I get the more I struggle with my real dad not being a part of my life. Just the fact that He chose not to be. I have carried that with me all these years. 

Gosh, I want to be done with it. 

Also growing up being the only girl with brothers and uncles, I have always been a bit lonely. Searching to relate with anyone. And it seems that even after growing up I am still in that mind set. Most people I do know, have close sisters or cousins or even aunts. They have those childhood best friends.  They have those “go to people” in their lives. I don’t have anything like that anymore. 

Up until this point I have always had my kids at home, so there really was no time to feel alone very often. But as they are growing up and having their own lives, which is a great thing for them, I am realizing that I NEED those “people” in my life. 

We all do. 

We were created to have good friendships. To love and be loved.

But, the other thing that comes to my heart and mind is to just stop.

Stop focusing on myself, 

Stop focusing on problems that I have made up in my head that do not even exist. 

I need to stop taking things so personal, and when I am told no, then just move on. 

That it is nothing personal, or against me. 

But I am afraid that I am going to go back to my safety bubble and not ask anymore.

 I don’t want to go backwards.

We need to be ok with being alone sometimes.. 

But even more, 

We need to open our eyes and our heart and realize that no matter what We are Never Alone. 

We need to put our focus on the one who has much love for us, the one who has never rejected us.. 

I don’t know about you.. But personally, I needed that reminder..  

But.. 

Yes I know I have issued a lot of BUTS..

But, I also think we need to open our eyes and reach out and love people. We all desire to know we are being thought of. So when God puts someone on your heart today, take the time to be obedient and send that text or make that phone call. It could do wonders for people who are struggling.

Thank you for reading this. I know it was long…

My 2016 This and That Post

Hello Faithful Blog Followers. 

My apologies for not blogging in a while.. It has been a bit of a whirlwind life lately.

 And when something comes to mind I write, write, write and read it and think “nah, better not share that” and it gets deleted.

 Sometimes I think it’s best to keep my opinions and thoughts to myself, (I said sometimes) something I have learned that comes with age. Seems to keep me out of trouble.. 

So no Target bathroom blog, (oh my)

No rant about my thoughts and heartbreak about the young teenager who was beat up and killed in her high school, and nothing about the kid falling in the gorilla thing at the zoo.

Just know it breaks my heart and people really need Jesus. 

This world seems to be getting crazier by the day.. 

It all starts at home parents. We have to teach Love and Kindness at Home..

Now onto Life..

First off My Twins are home!! And of course this makes this momma oh so happy. They both made excellent grades their first year at college, Cameron made the Dean’s List and now both are busy working their summer jobs and being at home. Loads of fun being a responsible adult. (sarcasm) 

I am enjoying seeing them when they are home.. Just so super proud of them and thrilled to watch them grow and change and accomplish so much in life. 3 more years to go for these college fellas..

Way to Go Aaron and Cameron..

My Boys are home!

Jazz kept us busy with playing softball the last 3 months of school, and her team did so well. 

We loved going to the games and cheering them on. 

She finished her Freshmen year of high school with many achievements, one of those being making Straight A’s all year. This chick makes us so proud and even though I am sad about my baby being a Sophomore now, I am excited to see her continue to grow. 

This summer so far she has been busy raising money for 2 trips she gets to take. Her Cross Country Team is going to on their first Trip to Colorado and she is going on a trip to Florida with our Youth group. She has already raised enough for the first trip and working on the 2^nd one. Cleaning houses, having a babysitting gig and helping her brothers with laundry or their job. She is not afraid of hard work and we love that about her.

Trav and I have had the privilege of attending a couple of graduations this summer. 

Two of our nephews have graduated and are going to be attending college. 

We are so very proud of them, and wish them the best in their new season in life.

We are counting the days till we leave for our very first cruise. We go in September even though our Anniversary is not till November, we will be celebrating 20 years of marriage.

Lord knows it has not been easy. Some ups and downs along the way. Some Speed Bumps, a few pot holes and maybe a cliff or two. But so thankful we toughed it out and stayed together. We are reaping the rewards for our hard work now. Enjoying much alone time together, and eating it all up.. I think he is a keeper..

But, My heart breaks for so many people today. People that I love with all my heart have called it quits on their marriage lately. I have watched how it affects so many people who have grown up together. Especially in families. The children. I am a firm believer that God can heal any situation.

He can restore any relationship.

But it takes 2 open hearts to get help and make changes.

Life Changes..

Every Single Day Changes..

Changes in your Thoughts

Changes in your Words

I would not be preaching this if I did not know first hand on how it does help. I surely don't claim to be a marriage expert. But, when you can actually love your spouse more than yourself on his or her good days and especially the bad and ugly days AND until both people can quit pointing fingers at each other, and take a breath and look at your own heart and actions, and realize that Physical, Verbal and Mental Abuse has NO place in a relationship, than your marriage is doomed.  

And that frankly just sucks. 

For everyone involved.

Just know, YOU are loved.. You are deserving of Great Love..

 And I am sorry so many are hurting today..

Happy 19th Birthday Twin Fellas

Oh My Heart..

Here we are.. 19 years later.. And this mommas heart if so full.. 

19 years ago God showed me, that even though I did not do things the right way, that his love for me is never ending. And that he is oh so Faithful..

I was in a fight for my life and the lives of these precious twin boys!

And if you had told me than at the young age of 17, in that hospital room as they were pushing buttons and doctors and nurses were running in my room and a nice helicopter ride to down town fort worth.

If you had told me than that Everything works out for the good. That I would see many prayers answered. And that God takes care of the desires of my heart.  I would not have believed ya.

But here we are.. 19 years later. Two healthy and bright young men, who are chasing the desires that God has put in their hearts. They carry such favor over them. So many precious moments. 
Built in Best Friends for Life. 

These Twin fellas are almost finished with their 1^st year of college. Running and Competing at Collegiate level that helps pay for college. 

They have met so many goals in life already, and they have such dreams and more goals to meet.

Gosh they have been a complete blessing to me and Trav.

We have had so much laughter and tears and many “almost wet my pants” moments because of these Twin Fellas..

Because of these Twin fellas, I have known how powerful a praying momma is.
 How to stand on my Faith.

Falling in love the first time I saw their itty bitty faces. And held those tiny hands. 

I have known what unconditional love is all about.

Have cheered them on in all their races on the track and off the track.

And if I had to do it all over again, I would not change one single thing.

Happy 19^th Birthday Aaron and Cameron!

Your momma is so very proud of the young men you have both grown up to be.

And I am oh so thankful that I was chosen to be your momma.

Also thankful that you have both been so very good to me. 

Totally bummed I am not there to wake you up to Sing Happy Birthday to you. 

But here is a short trip down memory lane.. I pray this is the best year Yet.

I Love you Aaron !

I Love you Cameron! 

Dear Future Daughter-In-Laws

Dear Future Daughter-In-Laws

In my 36 years, I have seen and heard those dreadful “Mother In-Law” stories. We all crack jokes about how we will act or treat our future Daughter in laws, and my lovely hubby and kids always assume I will be the Mother in law from hell. 

And I probably can be..

But you see, from the very beginning when I rocked your future husband to sleep, I prayed for you.

I prayed for your mom, as she may have been rocking you to sleep in the wee hours of the morning too.

I prayed that you would know Love, that you would Know all about Jesus, and that you would learn how to love unconditionally.

I prayed that you are strong and confident in who you are.

That you know how to laugh and enjoy life without taking life so darn serious..

As my boys have grown thru the years, I find myself wondering what the future holds for them in regards to a spouse. Of course I know they are not ready to even think about that right now. 

To be honest, I have had their spouses picked out for a while now. Lol 

But it seems life happens, and seasons change, and people have grown up and taken different paths. 

My Twin Fellas are enjoying life, and growing each day. Searching for who they are and what they want in life. 

 But I still find myself praying for both of my Future Daughter In Laws. 

 I have prayed that God will speak to my heart in how to treat and love you. 

 Don’t get me wrong, my boys are my world. They are kind and compassionate, good looking and smart. They will make you laugh till your face hurts. I may have convinced them they are pretty darn near perfect.

But I am sure you will agree with me on all that. (wink, wink)

So, I want to make some promises to both of you..

I want to Promise you that you will be loved and treated like my very own.

That you are always welcome in my home.

That you will not dread the Holidays, because I understand that families have traditions and celebrate on different days, and it’s more important that I see you and my son each holiday no matter what day we choose to celebrate it.

That your sister In laws will not treat you like crap.

 The oldest one only looks intimidating, but she just loves her brothers and can be mean if she feels they are being mistreated, but I will make her be nice. 

The giggly little one will just want to be around you most of the time.. She just wants someone on her side when they both gang up on her. 

They both have a heart of gold and They will be the best aunts ever!

I promise that I will include you and make you feel like a big part of our crazy big family.

I promise to cheat with you in our hardcore games of Uno and Skip Bo. 

But you have to have a great poker face. 

I promise to smack my son if I see him being ugly to you, just be kind to him too..

I promise that when you both decide to start your own family, and you have one of those days where sleep or peace and quiet is all you want, that I am only a phone call away.

I promise that you will have a sitter for those many date nights, because couple time is so important in a strong relationship.

I promise to be “THAT NANA” that attends all Birthdays and as many games, talent shows, and recitals and to have many sleep overs..

I promise that when you find out I am stopping by, that you don’t have to run around and clean up. Heck I will help fold laundry if needed. I won’t judge, because I have been there too! 

Clean houses are over rated anyways.

I promise to laugh with you and to cry with you during this crazy thing we call life.

And last but not least, I promise you that I am not perfect. 

We don't pretend to be. 

 I have made many mistakes in life, and its known that I can be quite moody and a little biased when it comes to my Twin Fellas. 

But, it's only because I have given them all I had and loved with all I have. 

And that will never stop. 

I just ask that you Love him with all you have, that you will stand by him on his good and bad days, support him and  be his cheerleader in life. I know he will do the same for you. 

He is kind of my favorite. But don’t tell his Twin brother.

Adios 2015! Hola 2016...

Well here we are 2016..

I have seen many people post or blog about how horrible 2015 was for them.

And I look back at my 2015 and we had some heart changing moments for sure, but it was surely the year of many changes for us. I wish I could say that I stayed strong in my faith walk in 2015, but gosh I struggled, I doubted, I pouted and spent a lot of time praying and seeking answers. And thrilled to say that we always were taken care of in many areas, and prayers were answered thru out the year. It was in his timing though, and I am also thankful for unanswered prayers, because I know now that God had better things in store for me and mine.

We had many highlights of course..

Started the year off with Jazzy girl’s surgery, where God showed up over and over reminding us how he takes care of every detail.

My Twin Fellas graduated from High School..

And we dropped them off so they could begin their College life away from home in No Man’s land..

Even though I got much crap from certain people who thought I over reacted with my anxiety on that part. But I finally quit trying to explain how I felt and what I struggled with because honestly it was none of their business.

I am just thrilled that I made it thru those emotions, and now confident that again God is and was in control and is taking great care of my twin fellas. And thankful for my precious friends who would listen to me and just there to encourage me..

Our Ciera graduated from Cosmetology school.. Whoohoo!! 

I got my Honda Accord which is something I have believed for many years.

The lovely changes at the church with my nursery position which taught me how to grow a little but has left me excited and searching for my new purpose and where to go from here…

My friendships have been quite interesting. Where I have prayed and prayed for God to restore certain relationships and instead I was shown why it is ok that some of them are no longer a part of my life. Just by seeing people’s true heart, and I have peace now and love the handful of wonderful friendships in my life. And now I can concentrate on those and love them unconditionally.

We have just really been concentrating on our children and just enjoying traveling to see our Teens run and compete. Treasuring our time with them, before they grow up and move on doing their own thing. I am loving cheering them on in life, and being there for them as they figure out what this crazy life is about..

Trav and I have gotten much alone time together, which I say we are getting those “Honeymoon years” that we missed out on in the beginning since we started off with kids.

We will be celebrating 20 years of marriage this year and so we are talking and seriously looking at our very first cruise!! EEEEK!

And we are super excited with a program that they started at work, where they basically are paying us to get healthy. They paid for a portion of our fit bits, and have many different goals for us to meet. 

Between the fit bit and seeing those horrendous pictures at my Twins graduation, it has motivated me to exercise. Been doing this since July and have lost lots of inches and 30 pounds, even though the last 5 keep coming and going. And was super excited when Trav decided to start working out with me, and he has been doing it for about 3 weeks now and already has lost 10 pounds. We had to make the decision that being overweight is not ok, and it does affect us and our health. 

We want to be able to chase our future grandbabies, I want to be that grandparent that attends all the activities, and shows my support so they never have any doubt  how much they are loved.

 And I desire to run with my Teens. That is a life time goal that I have for myself.

 One day.. One day..

So 2015 was not a horrible year, trying at time yes, but not horrible.. 

But we are thankful for the growth and the changes and very excited at what 2016 has in store for us.

So farewell 2015 and HELLO 2016.. 

Please be kind to us..

Thankful Venting..

It’s the month of November and if you follow me on FB you know almost each year I start each day in November with what I am Thankful for.

I read a lot of peoples status on FB, and sometimes I find myself shaking my head. (sigh) 

Some have posted comments about how annoying the Thankful post are. 

Some have said they don’t need a month to share what they are thankful for because they are thankful every day of the year. 

And some just complain all day everyday about life. 

The cruddy thing is, I care about what people say or think. 

Oh How I wish I did not. 

I wish I could go thru my Thankful post and see that my “friends” liked every single post and are genuinely happy for me or others who are posting. But unfortunately we are living in a world where people just cannot be happy for each other, and you know that is quite heartbreaking. 

But I have come to the conclusion that I don’t post for other people to see. 

I post for ME. 

Yes, ME! 

Because we (I) get so caught up in life that we all take for granted how blessed we are. I do this November thing to remind myself how many blessings I have in my life. 

From being married for 19 years this month to an amazing hubby and best friend!

To having 4 beautiful healthy children who are loving life. Who are thriving in College, High School or being a stay at home mom. 

To this precious little girl that I consider my very own grandbaby.

And surrounded with a beautiful family and amazing friends who love me and are oh so good to me. Who invite me to do life with them!

I have people who text me daily, whether it is to say "Hey I am thinking of you" or who ask for prayers. Or just to chat or vent. I love to celebrate life with my loved ones and close friends, when they achieve a goal or have an answered prayer. When they need encouragement or a cheerleader because they lost that dang stubborn pound. But I also am there to mourn with them and hold them up when life is unfair. When they feel they are being kicked while they are down. 

The Holidays are here, and even though many are so excited as our babies will all be home, so many are heartbroken because of losing a loved one or because families are not going to be together. 

I say all this to say, step back and take a look around you. Stop complaining for just a day, quit posting how miserable you are about life or about other people.. And open your eyes and see how blessed you are. 

Reach out to those who are hurting. Just Love with your entire being. Everyone has something to be thankful for. And when you concentrate on all the blessings you have in life, it really changes your attitude to appreciate all that God has blessed you with..  

I will be the first to admit I am not Sunshine and pleasant all the time. I let my bad attitude control how I feel. But when you make an effort to have a good attitude, it is so contagious. And I have to ask myself, if my attitude is worth catching? 

Just my thoughts of course.

Wishing each of you a Happy Thanksgiving… 

May you eat plenty and not gain a pound!