That One "Woe Is Me" Post...

I am sure we all have had those “Woe is me moments” or maybe it is just me… 

And even though I am a bit ashamed to tell on myself. I feel it is on my heart to share this, and let’s see if this helps anyone else. 

This is going to be a long post,…

I have a lot of friends. I am not bragging by any means. 

I have a lot of friends from my high school days, church friends, friends who have kids the same age as mine, friends who I met thru my hubby and of course lovely Facebook friends and some family friends.

 But I can count on my one hand how many “Close Friends/Family” I have. 

The ones who I can call on a moment’s notice and they would be there for me. 

Those who call on me during those times too.  

In this crazy thing we call life, we all get caught up in life.  I even do this. I hate to admit that since Trav got a day job, I may have neglected some of those friendships. He and I spend every moment together and I have enjoyed this thoroughly.

So a couple of wkends back, I had one of those moments. I was feeling quite alone because I could not find one single person who wanted to hang out with me. 

Plans had already been made but someone had something come up and backed out on me. I know life happens.

I knew that Trav and the boys had planned to go out by themselves for Father’s day. So I thought, OHH I can invite all my lady friends to join me and Jazz at the movies.. I was super excited. So I sent a message out on Facebook, and waited for my phone to ding with texts to see who wanted to join me. I got those texts. A few of them.. Fast forward to Friday night.. By the end of the night everyone had canceled on me.  I was lying in bed watching TV with Trav when even Jazz was trying to cancel on me. I was in tears. I felt lonely and like a complete loser. Trav was about to cancel his planned outing because he was sad for me. Do you see how pathetic this all is..?

So I went to bed all emotional and feeling so sorry for myself. Boohoo Poor Amanda..

I realized that lately I have been having these moments more and more.

Honestly hate feeling like that. So I had a come to Jesus moment.

But the more I prayed about it, the more God was dealing with my heart.

How can I expect to have good friends, that want to hang out with me if I was being a lousy friend and not reaching out to anyone either.

 What makes me think that I should have “people” on stand by for when I decide I need someone all of a sudden.

Who exactly do I think I am?

Why am I getting down and depressed about this?

Even more, I had to look at the bigger issue I was dealing with. 

The root problem..

And that is the feeling of rejection.

We are not friends, “she” is a mean ole thing and it has given me heartache and allows me to choose to be hurt when I am told no or when I am canceled on.

 I put myself out there, I ask people to go on lunch/dinner dates, or to the movies. I offer to watch their babies so they can go on those dates. I offer to do a lot of for others, to be a blessing. 

I love to do for people. It makes me happy to serve others.

But then I allow myself to get my feelings hurt when they don’t take me up on that offer or don’t want to go out with me. And I hate that feeling, but more I hate that I allow it to hurt me. 

I need to let go of that issue, and I know where it comes from.

All the way back from my childhood. My Lovely Father Issues. Not feeling like I deserved to be loved or wanted. It seems the older I get the more I struggle with my real dad not being a part of my life. Just the fact that He chose not to be. I have carried that with me all these years. 

Gosh, I want to be done with it. 

Also growing up being the only girl with brothers and uncles, I have always been a bit lonely. Searching to relate with anyone. And it seems that even after growing up I am still in that mind set. Most people I do know, have close sisters or cousins or even aunts. They have those childhood best friends.  They have those “go to people” in their lives. I don’t have anything like that anymore. 

Up until this point I have always had my kids at home, so there really was no time to feel alone very often. But as they are growing up and having their own lives, which is a great thing for them, I am realizing that I NEED those “people” in my life. 

We all do. 

We were created to have good friendships. To love and be loved.

But, the other thing that comes to my heart and mind is to just stop.

Stop focusing on myself, 

Stop focusing on problems that I have made up in my head that do not even exist. 

I need to stop taking things so personal, and when I am told no, then just move on. 

That it is nothing personal, or against me. 

But I am afraid that I am going to go back to my safety bubble and not ask anymore.

 I don’t want to go backwards.

We need to be ok with being alone sometimes.. 

But even more, 

We need to open our eyes and our heart and realize that no matter what We are Never Alone. 

We need to put our focus on the one who has much love for us, the one who has never rejected us.. 

I don’t know about you.. But personally, I needed that reminder..  

But.. 

Yes I know I have issued a lot of BUTS..

But, I also think we need to open our eyes and reach out and love people. We all desire to know we are being thought of. So when God puts someone on your heart today, take the time to be obedient and send that text or make that phone call. It could do wonders for people who are struggling.

Thank you for reading this. I know it was long…