You Deserve Happiness
By Ciera
I'm not really one to
make my life super public on social media, or to the world in general. I don't
particularly like people knowing my dirty laundry and I certainly don't want
people to know the negative bits and pieces of my life. That's not to say that I
put on this fake persona, because believe me I've never been a fake person, but
I do happen to leave out the embarrassing (I consider embarrassing) parts of my
life.
Today though, I'm letting y'all in on one of my dirty little secrets....
For nearly 3 years I
was in a physically abusive relationship.
Not the kind where you go crazy on
your man and start punching him in the face so he holds you down.
No.
A real
abusive relationship.
First let me make it clear that this man is not my most
recent ex.
This relationship was nearly 3 years ago and I'm just now speaking
out about it.
Why? Because I was embarrassed. Ashamed even. So disgusted with
myself because I am a strong, independent badass woman and I never saw myself
being in that situation. I was humiliated that I ever was.
Was I right to feel
that way? Absolutely not, but because I did I pushed all my loved ones away to
the point that no one knew what was going on.
So instead of getting
help, I just let it fester and get worse and worse for nearly 3 years. I'd hide
my bruises from my parents and siblings with makeup and long sleeves. There are
so many days that I'd call in to work because my ribs or my back would be so
bruised I could barely move.
But nobody knew any of that.
Every time I tried to
get out, he'd pull me back in. Literally. By my hair.
I was told that he'd kill
me, or he'd kill him self or he was going to kill my family.
Looking back now,
I feel completely stupid for believing he would do any of those things but when
you're in that situation for so long you become so scared of that person that
you believe they'll do anything.
I eventually became his little robot and just
sat there and looked pretty. It was never enough for him though, and I felt so
alone. I thought to myself "this is your life now.
Just do what he wants
and you'll be fine"
I wouldn't be fine
though and I knew that.
So one night after he had gotten wasted, we had the
worst fight we'd ever had.
I call it a fight because this time I fought back.
I'd had enough and if he was going to throw punches so was I. He broke my phone
so I couldn't call for help, threw my keys in the yard so I couldn't leave. He
threw me, pushed me, and hit me.
But I kept getting back up. I found my keys,
drove around till I found a cop, and I took matters into my own hands.
Please
just imagine being my parents and getting that phone call at 3 am.
Anyways, as
you can imagine I pressed charges and put his a$$ in jail.
Finally I was out...
but mentally I wasn't.
I'm still to this day fixing what he
broke.
He took my peace from me.
He took my trust, my happiness, my tenderness.
I couldn't function as a normal long term girlfriend to an amazing man bc I had
been destroyed by another.
I have put my family and loved ones through Hell
because of that relationship.
He made me mean. He made me hard... I have had to
work through a lot of pride and a lot of emotions these last few years and I am
finally at a good place with myself. I'm finally happy with myself and who I am
as a person.
I'm writing this not
for anyone to feel sorry for me.
I don't want sympathy, no need for it.
I'm
writing this because I know there is someone out there who will read this and
it will give them the courage to leave. It will give them the power to stand up
and walk away.
If you're going through a similar situation I want you to know
that you are not alone.
You have people who love you and care about you and who
will help you through this.
You deserve the best, we all do.
Please don't ever
let anyone destroy who you are. Those people are toxic, you can't save them.
Do
not and I repeat DO NOT EVER let anyone steal your peace and your love for
others. Find a friend, a family member. Hell find me! But most importantly find
God. He will save your life, he will renew your peace and your happiness and
you WILL find love. True love. And when you do find it, don't ruin it because
another person made you feel like you don't deserve it. You do. 100 percent you
do.
