PUT YOUR MOUTH IN TIME OUT..

Quick! Take a look out the window; do you see any pigs flying?!!


I am FINALLY “slowly” learning in life that having a big mouth is not always necessary.


I always have been the person, who felt the need to tell my opinion, and always feeling the need to be brutally honest. Yes, it has bit me in the buttocks a few times, because not everyone really likes brutal honesty. But there are a few people in my life that have accepted this flaw about me. I will even say, I am the one they come to, because they know they will not get BS from me..


But, I ALSo have always been the person who over shared. Of course not just with anyone. I have a hand full of women in my life that I share my life stories with.But only one person who knows everything about me. From my greatest fears, biggest mistakes, and the daily challenges I experience and battle, and the ugly truth about ME.


Recently, I heard a sermon, and read a blog about what comes out of our mouth. And I think it really ministered to me, cause of how I over share. I whine and complain about my husband, kids, family drama, friends, money, etc.. But than at night, I would pray and thank God for everyone and everything in my life. And it made me realize I was being wishy washy. How can I thank God for all these wonderful things in my life, but yet complain and whine about them all day!? Kind of jacked up if you ask me! So, I put myself in time out. I started re-evaluating my life. I looked at how I treat people and the words that came out of my mouth towards those people. Especially the ones who I love with all my heart, it did not take long for me to ask myself “Amanda! Who the hell do you think you are”! sigh..


I asked myself, how it would make me feel, if I found out that the people who I love, complained and talked about me to their friends. Or how about these people telling other people about my greatest failures and weaknesses and my daily struggles. I would be heart broken. Of course we say that we are just venting. Which in all honesty, I think there is a time for that. To just unload on someone, when you are about to fall apart. But don’t use that as an excuse to gossip, or put people down. Or to make you feel better about yourself.


So during my “time out” I have "almost" quit sharing all my problems with those “ladies” in my life. And I have realized that it has made a difference in my daily life. Cause I don’t find myself concentrating on the “problem” which allows me to have an open mind and time with God about how to deal with that “problem”.. And it doesn’t take me long to realize, that what I thought was a mountain is only a small grain of salt after all..


I will leave ya with this..


Had a pastor once tell us, that we should never talk about the bad in our spouses and children, but only lift them up in front of people. I always laughed at this, because it was part of my daily routine to “jokingly” put my husband down, especially in front of my family and his friends.. Never considering that he never laughed..Years of that kind of stuff, can build a wall.
Something that no marriage or any relationship really needs.


So, remember.. Only use words that edify and build someone up, if you have any doubts, than it is probably best to keep your mouth shut..

The Lord Giveth, The Lord Taketh Away.. Part 4



My mom, two uncles, and grandparents.

First I would like to thank all of you for following my blog. I hit some high records during this time. I love to blog, and it has helped me to deal with my grandpa's death. And I read my blog to my mom and grandma this wkend, and they loved it. And we had a big bawl fest. So thank you for all the prayers and words of encouragement during this time. I am really blessed in my life to be so loved.

So, my grandpa's funeral was precious. He looked so handsome and young and healthy again. My family did a great job at picking the right music, so many family and friends came to show their respect to our family. Lots of tears of joy and sadness were shed. I told the story about how grandpa used to give the dollars for a kiss and hug. So my brothers and sister in laws thought to show tribute, we had all of our kids put a dollar on my grandpa's casket, and gave a red carnation to my grandma with a kiss on the cheek. Yes, it was beautiful, and yes we all cried, but I thought it was a perfect way to represent my grandpa. We also had the honor to buy the main casket spray, and it was gorgeous. Judy at Celebrations did an amazing job. See the pic below.

My grandma's old boss is the one they asked to do the service. Clay did a great job, and he told some great stories of my gpa. After the burial, we invited everyone out to our church home, where our church let us use the Cafe to serve food and let family visit. We fed over 100 people. A big thank you to my many friends and family members who provided food. And a big Thank you to The River Church for letting us use the Cafe.

This was the first big loss for me to experience, it was heart breaking to see my family hurt so much. And even though I don't have all the answers, even though I know some days will be harder on us than others. I keep telling myself, that my grandpa received his healing the moment he got to heaven. I picture him in his black cowboy hat, with both legs and black boots, laughing and having the biggest cook out ever.. And playing with all the itty bitty people in Heaven..
And that visual brings me joy..

Ovidio Lozano died Saturday, Dec. 17, 2011, in Denton.
Born March 17, 1940, in Realitos to Francisco and Sipriana (Rodriguez) Lozano, he married Francisca Lozano April 4, 1959, in Seminole. He was the owner of Lozano Trucking in Newark.
Lozano was preceded in death by daughter Mary Jane Lozano.

He is survived by his wife; sons Ovidio Lozano Jr. and wife, Lucinda, of Odessa, and Joe Frank Lozano and wife, Angela, of Decatur; daughter Linda Lozano and husband, Noe, of Newark; grandchildren Joe and wife, Kristi, of Boyd, Amanda and husband, Travis, of Boyd, Jessie and wife, Briana, of Rhome, and Brenda and Crystal, both of Odessa; 10 great-grandchildren; Ciera, Eric, Aaron, Cameron, Alex, Taylor, Jasmine, Jessieca, Adrian, Gabriel.

A lovely family who will miss him dearly, but will always keep him in our heart.

The Lord Giveth, The Lord Taketh Away Part 3

So, Friday I decided to go to work, cause it was my dept Christmas party, so I was running around like crazy, trying to get everything taken care of. I called to check on my mom, and she was still at the hospital, and gpa was still hanging on. His numbers were looking really good, and he was actually awake and talking a little. During the party, I got a phone call from Briana, telling me that she went to doctor, and he was taking the baby at 3:30 cause her amniotic fluid got too low. Of course I am jumping up and down, and super excited..

So, I finished up with the party, and my boss let me go home early. I rounded up all my kids and 2 nephews and one niece, and off to the hospital we went to meet the new family member.

Gabriel Cruz arrived at 3:30pm weighing a whole 6pds, he is the most precious little boy ever!

I was told, that my gma showed my gpa a picture on her phone of the baby. That she told him how Jessie and Briana had the baby, and he looked at the picture, and smiled really big, let out a big breath, and had tears running down his face. And he went to sleep. He than waited for my gma to fall into a deep sleep that night, and he passed away at 1am Saturday morning. I put on my FB, that my gpa was just waiting till baby Gabriel got here, to make sure we had something to bring us joy. Taking care of us like always! My older brother Joe called me a little after 1am to let me know. When my phone rang, and I saw who it was, I already knew. All I could hear in the back ground was my gma, crying.. She just lost the love of her life, it hit me than, that we had been praying for God to take him, and he answered our prayers, but what about my grandma now?! Right before Christmas!

Saturday was a blur, I felt numb, and like we were just going thru the motions. I met my family at the funeral home, and we planned the funeral. My mom and uncle looked horrible. It was so heartbreaking to see them so sad and lost. But my gma, was still smiling. Not one tear did she shed.

This entire experience has made me see my grandma thru a new pair of eyes. This woman took her vows seriously. She stood by her husband for 52 years, in sickness and in health. She never left his side. Even on his bad days. She stayed at that hospital for almost 3 wks, she held his hand and loved him till the very end. I admire her for that...

The Lord Giveth, and The Lord Taketh Away part 2..

So Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday my mom and dad, and brothers and sister in laws, including Briana, the one that is 9 months pg!! And uncles and aunts and cousins stood around his bed, we were told it would happen that night, than we were told it could be in the next 12 hours, but my gpa kept hanging in there, his numbers would drop, and than they would come back up. If you know my gpa, than you would know, that he would of been so pissed to have us all standing around his bed crying for him. I was just waiting for him to sit up and yell at us to go home and get some sleep and go eat.

One of the nights, I think we were all just tired, so my cousins and my sis in law Briana started acting goofy. We had everyone laughing, I am sure the nurses thought we had lost it, us all standing around the bed crying one minute, than to hear and see us laughing the next. It felt good to laugh. We all needed it badly. Briana, was laughing so hard, and than would wince in pain, cause the baby would start moving, which would send her into having contractions. She was being such a trooper, and my nephew was kicking her butt!

On Thursday, Trav took off work so he could go up to the hospital with me, I decided it was time to take my boys to see my gpa and tell him good bye. I was supposed to take them up there a couple of Sundays ago, but I wanted to wait till my gpa looked better, cause I did not want to the boys to get scared. Yes, I know, I am overbearing on some things. I had decided that Jasmine was too young to see him like this, but she begged and cried to let her go too. Travis said that I needed to let her see him too. So I did it. My boys walked in, and they were just quiet. They both sat down, and one got teary eyed, and just shook his head, but the other was being a tough guy, and was just quiet. A few minutes later they both said they needed to go to the bathroom. Later I found out, that the one who was being a tough guy, saw my dad in the hall way, and when my dad hugged him, he lost it. And my dad comforted him. Have I mentioned how much I love my daddy?!

Now my Jazzy girl was being brave, and walked up to his bed, and just as she did, my gpa started coughing and gagging, which freaked Jasmine out, and she lost it. Which I turned and gave my lovely husband a dirty look, and he had to get her and comfort her, and explain what all was happening, and how my gpa was not really hurting. I got to stand by his bed, and hold his hand, and every time he would start gagging, and coughing, I rubbed his head and talked with him to calm down, that he was ok. That I was right there. And he would look at me, and calm down, and go back to sleep. I just prayed over him, over and over.. What an honor and privilege it was for me to hold this mans hand, and be the one to comfort him for once. Like he had done for me and our family many times..

That night, I went home with my family. I had my phone by me all night, and kept checking it. Cause I knew that my mom would call me at any moment with the news. And I also was waiting, cause Briana had been texting me about how her contractions were getting stronger, and I just knew it would be any day now, that she had my sweet nephew. I put on FB the next morning, how life can be so bitter sweet. Anxious and excited for one thing, but yet sad and dreading another..

Friday morning, Grandpa was still with us.. And Briana was still very pregnant!

The Lord Giveth, and The Lord Taketh Away..Part 1

This blog has been difficult to write, I have been working on it for days, but have stopped many times. But it got really long, so I am going to break it up into parts..So bare with me, cause it seems I have so much to share..
My December 6th post was about how much longer would my grandpa have to suffer before he was taken home to heaven where he would receive his healing. Well, that question was answered.
The doctor called the family meeting, and HE decided that he wanted to continue to cut on my gpa to give him the best chance to live. So they took my gpa's leg up to his knee, and the bypass they did on the other leg was actually looking pretty good. But, just in a matter of 3 days, things went down hill, and it went fast.
We got the call on a Tuesday morning, from my gma who was freaking out, cause my gpa was being moved to ICU, cause he could not breath. And was in so much pain. We all went up there, my parents went to talk with the dr, and I sat with my gma. She was crying, and I held her hand, and asked her, what she wanted. I asked her how she wanted me to pray. She shook her head, and she said that she loves my gpa, but he is in so much pain, and has a nasty cough, and she knows that him going to heaven is what is best..
So, that is what we prayed. I asked God to take him home, I asked God to give my gma strength, and courage, and peace. And I asked God to hold our family in his arms, cause we have never experienced a loss like this before..
So, my little brother and I walked in to ICU to see him, and all we heard and saw was his gasping and gagging for air, and the fear in his eyes. We both lost it. My brother ran out of the room, I stayed there, and watched him to help him not be scared. He was uncovered,so I saw how skinny he was, and saw where his leg was gone. I watched as the nurse put a suction tube down his throat to help him not to gag and choke so much. But than, I too ran out of the room, and fell apart. I just could not believe this was happening to him. I had many questions for God. But, all I did was beg and pray that he would take him home, and take him home NOW!
They called all the specialist, the heart dr, the lung dr, and they all had the same diagnosis. My gpa had gotten pneumonia in his lung, and his heart was weak, and the gang grene was spreading, and the bypass in his leg was failing. There was nothing more they could do, but make him comfortable. So they pumped him full of pain meds, and my gpa slept...

Where Did All The Love Go?!

It seems to get pretty bad around the Holidays, when it is supposed to be full of Joy, Laughter, Blessings,.. People have chosen to be down right depressed, sad, and just plain ole mean.

My kiddos, in 2008

For the last 16 years Trav and I always put our Christmas tree up on Thanksgiving or the day after. Trav is a big kid when it comes to Christmas time. I am talking, my living room looks like Christmas threw up! All the dancing and singing bears and snow men. He even puts together a small town, with a ferris wheel, and little people, and fiber optic houses. The kids love Christmas time, cause they are use to all the loudness! And let's not forget the "ornament" for the year. Trav's sweet sister Teresa bought us our first cookie dough Christmas ornament our first year together. And she may not know this, but now it has become a tradition for us. We go each year to the mall and have one made. Of course my favorite part, is Christmas cards! I LOVE doing Christmas cards, and my goal is to get them mailed out by Thanksgiving. Which by the way "Toot, Toot" I met my goal.

Jazzy a couple of years ago..

But, for some reason, we have not been in the "mood" to do anything. It is already December the 8th, and we don't have the Christmas tree up yet. No ornament either! But, not cause we are sad or depressed, or that we don't have the money to give the kids a good Christmas. We honestly don't have a clue what the deal is. Maybe we are just tired, we both got that nasty crud going around, and still recovering. We are also just really busy, going all the time. With church, jobs, basketball etc..We already did the shopping part. It seems, that maybe Trav and I need to quit making excuses, and put that tree up, bring out all the loudness, maybe just maybe it will help our "mood"! If nothing else, it will make our children happy.

Thanksgiving, me with my precious daughters.

Which brings me to my "topic". I have heard a lot of messages lately, and it seems that I am being taught a few things. About how we act, and how "we" portray the Love that our God has for us. Umm, have you watched the news?! Can you say black Friday?! Crazy! People are being down right foolish to save a few bucks! I personally do not participate in the crazy hours of this day, I go around 10am, when all the crazy people are back at home sleeping. But I still saw my share of rude people, and really this year I see people who look like that lost all hope. Now, of course me being the loving and out going person I am (yes sarcasm again). I stepped outside my bubble, and I smiled and made small talk with strangers! I complimented people's boots, and jewelry, hair style, I even talked to the check out person at wal-mart, who looked like she was about to go off at any minute. And I have to say, it was pretty rewarding to see just a small light of hope in their eyes. Like they were thinking, "hmm, there still are nice people who care". So, I challenge you faithful followers,. Get out there, smile, say hello, say Merry Christmas. Even if the person cut you off, or gave you bad service,. Be the better person, and spread the Love and Joy, we need to get out there and make Jesus Famous!

WISHING YOU A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS

FROM MY FAMILY TO YOURS!

When Is Enough, Really Enough?!

Today I find myself asking..”When is enough really enough..? “


I have been very fortunate and blessed in my life, to not have to deal with losing my loved ones. I have all my grandparents and parents. I have been close to my mom’s side of the family all my life. Growing up, we lived with my grandparents off and on thru out the years. When I first got married, my grandparents were my neighbors for about 5 years. My kids and I had the privilege to walk next door to always find my grandparents sitting and watching TV, and always ready to feed us.

If you know my grandpa, which everyone does. You know him as the over 6ft tall, loud, boisterous, always laughing, with the big belly and cowboy hat and boots. He knew no stranger. My gpa has been self employed most of his life, driving and owning his own dump trucks. I honestly remember making some good money as a teen, as we helped him pave and rake asphalt drive ways. What a beating that used to be. Just the smell of it made me nauseous. But, it was the “family” thing to do.
Over the years we all have had children, and to watch how my gpa loves all his great grandchildren is always so heart warming. He always gave them a dollar if they would give him a kiss and hug. He would get loud when they walk in the door to show how excited he was to see them. He has always been so good to all of them,.

About ten years ago, we got a big scare when my gpa had a heart attack. He ended up having a triple bypass surgery, and had to have a pace maker put in. It took him a while, but he eventually got back to living his normal life. Driving all over the place and being him self again. But around 4 years ago, he got sick and went into kidney failure. And needed to start dialysis. He had already made his mind up, that he was not going to do it. But the family all got together, and we told him we supported what he wanted to do, but we really wanted him to do dialysis and stay with us longer. The dr’s told us he would not make it to Christmas that year, but he went on dialysis and here we are almost 5 years later, and he is still with us.

So here we are, coming up on another Christmas, and the last couple of years my gpa has been a fighter, and trooper. Slowly we have watched him give up so many things he loved in life. From working and driving, and having to sale his place and live in assisted living areas and now a small apartment. Going to 3 hours of dialysis three times a wk. Dealing with having no energy to get out of bed on most days, and becoming a home body. Surely not the quality of life that he wants to live. But because he loves my grandmother and his family he sucked it up and did it each day.

This Thanksgiving he took a turn for the worse. He had been dealing with so much pain in his legs and feet, which he could not even walk. We were devastated to find out that he got gang green setting in, and now he has been in the hospital having surgery after surgery, he has lost his toes on one foot, and the doctor is trying to save the other one. I went up there last night to sit with my gma during the surgery. I was told that he looked bad, and that he was on morphine for all the pain he is in. But, when I walked into that room and saw him, my heart broke. That was NOT my gpa. This is NOT what my GPA would want to look and feel like. I did my best to keep it together and smile, and was thrilled to see that he recognized me and reached out for my hand, and told me he loved me. I kept it together when he was moaning from the pain he is in. But when I watched my grandmother, rub and kiss his head, and tell him for the 5th time that she could not take him home yet, I lost it.

Wow! Over 50 years of marriage right before my eyes, my grandmother is watching the love of her life, her best friend, the only man she has ever known, wither away to nothing. Some things I will never understand..

The surgery last night took over 3 hrs. We sat with my gma, and we talked, and tried to keep her from thinking too much, we talked about old times and we laughed,. I was so proud of my gma for being so strong, not once had she shed a tear. When, the dr called us back and told us that the surgery had not gone like he hoped, and told us the next couple of days all they could do is watch and see where to go from here. When he suggested that they have a family meeting this wk, to discuss how much more aggressive we wanted him to go. When he told us, that my gpa is very sick, and his heart his weak, she lost it. And oh how my heart ached for her.
Trav and I got her settled in her room for the night, and I held her and I prayed with her. I cried with her, and told her how much we all loved her, and that gpa has been thru so much already, and he is tired. And that he has been a trooper because he loves her so much, he has been fighting. But, that gpa would not be happy to live without his feet. She agreed, she knows what is coming.
So that brings me to my Title. When is Enough, really Enough?! We have been praying and praying for God to heal my gpa. But, when is it being selfish on our part to allow the doctors to continue to cut off his body parts, to take away a good quality of life away from him. When is it time to say, “Ok God, please take him home, peacefully, no more suffering”? Unfortunately, for my family, that time seems to be now..